Monthly Archives: November 2011

thank you TLC

…and just when I thought I was having a “meh” day, dlisted.com shared this visual TREAT from The “Learning” Channel. How convenient!

Check out this clip from their new show:

Virgin Diaries What NOT To Do At The Altar.

I’m sorry, it’s not funny, he clearly lost his cough drop. In her throat.

Well there’s definitely a lesson in this somewhere. Courtesy of the most educational place on tv, TLC.

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Filed under REALLY?, TV

Picking Yourself Up

Do you ever have those days weeks, where everything feels like a chore? When you have to talk yourself into just putting your feet on the floor in the morning? Well intended friends and family will tell you how to fix a situation like this, you just need to get to the core of the problem. They’ll tell you that if you can identify what it is that’s got you in a funk, that’s half the battle. …Not exactly

In my experience, the task of fixing whatever’s got you in said funk is a lot harder than simply changing how you feel about it. The first and easiest thing to alter is your own perception of things. Decide to be in a good mood, and eventually you will be. Sure, you might have to fake it ’til you make it for a while. But putting on happy music and slapping on a smile is a lot easier than making a massive life change, and there’s a lot less pressure involved. So, at least for today, don’t give another thought to whatever’s got you down. Instead, do like Samantha does and have a piece of cake for breakfast. It’s bound to change something, right?

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The Learning Channel

Lately Roomie #2 and I have developed an unhealthy obsession with TLC. You know, The “learning” channel? Or as I like to call it, BCTV -Birth Control Television. It only takes a few minutes of those Dugger people to make me want to opt out of a uterus all together. If I wanted a farm of people to work for me I’d pay them, not make them.

Enough Said.

Right now, our DVR is full of winners like All American Muslim, Hoarding: Buried Alive- it’s a classic– and our newest fave… Extreme Couponing. Seriously, have you seen this show? The couponers get so much for free that they build “stockpiles” of food and supplies, some big enough to support entire neighborhoods. We get it, you like getting shit for free, but we at the apartment are of the mindset that stockpiling something you don’t need, just because it’s free is gross. Single, child-less lady couponing for diapers, we’re lookin’ at you girl.  Although we’d probably be wayyy more interested if they were couponing for Crocodile Birkins. #differentstrokes

Hey guys, come look at all this stuff I can’t afford!

So in the spirit of the ever-educational “Learning Channel” here are a few gems of knowledge we’ve gleaned from our obsessive television consumption…

1. Extreme Couponers should really be titled “Hoarders: Before They Lose Control.”  We’ll see you in 5 years ladies.

2. The “sacrifices” that the moms on Toddlers&Tiaras make for their daughters are completely relatable. A new pageant dress or a visit to the dentist?? That one gets me every time too.

3.  All I want for Christmas is a tour of the props department on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”  Walls and walls of fake fetuses in toilets.

4. Polygamy on HBO = fabulous. Polygamy on TLC = stretchmarks. Apparently mormons don’t partake in Cocoa Butter either.

Happy Tuesday Friends

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Use The Force

If you could make one thing happen with your mind today, what would it be? Besides making a red velvet cupcake materialize on your desk, of course. That’s a given.

yum.

I seriously believe that if we as humans had occasional use of the force, life would just be better. You know those times when there’s something(s) weighing so heavily on your mind that you can’t focus on anything else? For instance, if Roomie #2 could will a “50 cm olive Birkin with purple suede interior, leather lock and palladium hardware” into his hot little hand, he’d probably spend a lot less time lusting after them online and a lot more time doing work. While my own “force” worthy thoughts today are more personal than sartorial, they are every bit as distracting.

If I could will a certain new guy to text me and a certain email to arrive (FINALLY) -today would be far less self destructive more productive. I know, I’m being a total girl. Think what you will and judge if you must, but it’s the truth. And the worst part is that, while said email is far more important in the grand scheme of my life, I’d still take the text first and probably instantly forget all about the email.

This is what happens to me at the Holidays. Some people get a new purse from their parents or a years worth of socks from their grandma, but every year at Christmastime, I open up a big box of B.S.Crazy puppy love. I can’t help it. After some diligent sleuthing, I’ve boiled it down to what must be a lethal combination of cold weather, sentimental movies and pretty lights, but identifying my symptoms thus far has done little to assuage them. It also doesn’t help that I watched “Going the Distance” with Roomie #1 last night. A sweet romcom with Drew Barrymore and Justin Long about a couple that falls in love and tries to navigate a long distance relationship. Or as I like to call it,

Emotional Terrorism.

The movie was super relatable and their chemistry was great. So great in fact that their sad little love story had the two of us ugly-crying on the couch and spouting things like “It’s not fair! A love like their’s deserves better!” …really? This could have been a true story about finding love in refugee camp and I still wouldn’t have expected that gem to leap out of my mouth.

But, ridiculous as it may be, I have resigned myself to the fact that the Holidays can make everyone a little love-sick. It probably doesn’t help when a certain new guy, a really funny, cute guy starts making unexpected recurring appearances in the romcom of your life and has nearly blown your calculated and cool “bro” exterior, either. (More to come on that later.)

Sure I could try to ignore it, put my phone away and hunker into some thrilling press release, but let’s be real, that has an icicle’s chance in hell of happening. I’ll be here, working on my Jedi skills and willing my iPhone to ding… if only I could find a red velvet cupcake.

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Filed under Holidays, Just Because, Movies, REALLY?, Uncategorized

Samantha Sees What..

The time has finally come for me to make good use of the Tumblr account I’ve been sitting on for years. While the long-form blog is still my #1, sometimes I just want to post things like this:

Work Sucks.

So from now on you can get a visual peek into my life on my new Tumblr http://www.SamanthaSeesWhat.tumblr.com

Happy Friday Friends!

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Well THAT was embarrassing.

While I have no intentions of starting my memoir before age 30, I have already settled on the perfect title:

Hey- there's a chance. Have you seen the current divorce rate? It's just science.

I know what you’re thinking. “But Samantha? How could someone as graceful, coordinated and politically correct as yourself ever find herself embarrassed? You are the picture of poise.”

It’s true. Everyone knows that clearing 5 ft. 8 before age 13, a proclivity for breaking your glasses and a love of dance regardless of talent level are the recipe for social perfection. You mean you didn’t take Hip Hop Level 1 at 16? Well you were missing out.

As hard as it is to believe, my life has been full of an abnormal amount of awkward or embarrassing situations. Sometimes I wonder if everyone feels this way, human experience and what not. Then I wonder if everyone’s mother also told them that the circus was going to take them away if they kept growing, and I find my answer. No, not everyone had the enjoyment of running outside while she was changing after 6th grade gym because she forgot it was “just a drill.” And most girls didn’t go through their first day of sorority rush with their fly down. Which by the way, is rude not to point out, in case you were wondering. Effing group logic.

ANYWAYS. Today I’m turning the spotlight on one embarrassing habit in particular. Can I please get a warm welcome for one of my personal favorites, my uncontrollable tendency  to mimmic other people’s accents! –Doesn’t she look lovely, everyone. This little gem hasn’t had much time to shine since I left college – that is until I met my best friend Paige’s new roommate Joe.

Joe is from London… and apparently, so am I. Or at least that’s what my brain thinks whenever he opens his mouth. At this point I’m pretty sure that Joe thinks I was born with a massive hearing defect because our conversations consist of him acting completely normal and me trying to put an American spin on what starts out sounding like the Queen Mum. Which basically leaves me somewhere between a Leprechaun and Sookie from True Blood. Or a weird Eliza Doolittle / cowboy. It’s really nice.

So at this point I’m thinking I have two options. Just stop speaking to him completely- totally normal- or go full monty, as in python, and let the chips fall where they may (pronounced: m-eye, if I’m talking to Joe).

Since silence has never been my strong point (see: Sam’s report cards, ages 5-18), it looks like shit’s going to get real. Royal Family style. And in the meantime, I’ll be looking for someone with a thick german accent that we can mutually befriend in hopes of canceling out the english. Please direct all applications to me, Samantha Says.  224 Embarrassing Lane, Awkward Town, IL.

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Why bitch when you can wine?

“Baggy Winecoat” from http://www.scandinaviandesigncenter.com

Fact: Wine is the Diet Coke of alcohol. It just makes everything better.

Parents threatening to make you pay your own cell phone bill again? Wine.

Accidentally dried your new Citizens jeans? Wine.

Hungover from too much wine last night? Wine.

In fact, I believe that there are only two kinds of problems in life- wine problems and shrink problems. The “Wine or Shrink” rule stipulates a glass bottle of wine can solve 99.9% of all problems. So, if you think you have a .1 percent-er  on your hands, save yourself some time and get thee to the therapist. It’s just science.  Which is why I need this awesome wine-purse.

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